The wurster, the better

“Let there appear a Flo on the New York Central to bridge the void betwixt the nether world of the truck and the upper world of the train.”

An lo, they were governed accordingly. And they saw that it was very good.

And it came to pass that the peoples clamored for more and more Flo and less and less New York Central, until, at the appointed hour two kingdoms were joined into Penn Central, and the Flo people did take George the Turner as their Judge. Then did the Flo store up earthly treasure therin, and George the Turner came to entreat servants to help with the harvest. And lo, there appeared a young man at the gate, somewhat large, who girdeth up his ample loins and sallied forth into the field of Flo at the City of Motors, and they called him the Don of All.

After a long sojourn in the Land of the Cleves, didst Don of All come unto the City of the Phillistines, and didst see a vision of a land of milk and honey, or perhaps roast beef and mashed potatoes swimming in brown gravy. Howsomever, in the vision there were Twelve Cities of Flo, stocked with frankincense, myrrh, xylene, toluene diisocyanate, and soda ash, and, strangley enough. Jack Daniels. Thus didst Don of All see his vision and search far and wide across the kingdom for sub-servants for the Twelve Cities of Flo.

And it came to pass that Judge Turner moved on and was replaced by a succession of lesser judges, and the love of Flexi-Flo was not in them. Yet the love of the people was great, and provideth in abundance, which in turn attracted salesmen, who knew nothing about what could be done, but much about what could be promised – the greatest of among the great being Walter the Keeper, a name in accordance with his propensity to covet that which is made of paper. Therefore, as the Flo didst prosper, so did the storehouses of Walter the Keeper: desks, filing cabinets, floor space, and libraries, with records of the Flo’s every customer, every carload, every ton, every expense account, excepting for the curious lack of expense account records for Walter the Keeper’s airplane trips.

There were giants in the earth in those days, but apparently not in the Land of the Cleves. So it was that Bill the Rail didst appear from the Virginic wilderness, though not virginic himself, eating locusts and tobacco, and wearing a horsehair coat. He spake as one possessed and drove the evil spirits from the Land of Cleves, which became injury free.

And it came to pass that into the kingdom the stork didst deliver a babe, because of whose questionable descent the lineage became known as Stork. And lo, he did attempt to return to the sky from whence he came, yet was overcome by gravity and fell to earth with a loud #!?&%, breaking his leg, and becoming somewhat lame in body as well as mind, and became known as Tom the Gimpy. This same Tom the Gimpy moreover, having tarried at many dangerous places along the way, like the Pits of Burgh, the Ton of Crocks, and the Moor in Balts, settled among the Phillistines, where he slew a great number with his rapier tongue.

And lo, there was yet another sub-servant to pass through the valley of the shadow of the Ton of Crocks and the Moor in Balts – a man of swan songs, a swain among ugly ducklings, a duffer whose hands became not soiled with the dirt of honest labor, but of replacing divots, who furrowed not his brow in sweat, indeed, Steven the Smooth. Able to do the same with more that others could do with less, could Steven the Smooth cast his growing shadow far and wide across the Balts.

One score and four years ago, yet again in the City of Motors, came another to shoulder the burden of the Flo, someone to fulfill the prophet’s words, “Lo, the empty shall get emptier and the full fuller,” – Roget the Shooter. Laboring in the fields of Flo with nary a sound other than a few low grunts, Roget came to offend no one, see no evil, find no fault, in fact – almost disappear, were it not for his generous moustache. And in the fullness of time Roget the Shooter did put down his rifle and take up his long-bow to lead his people against the Triple Crown of pigs, totes, and containers, which threatened to overrun the Flo in the City of Motors.

And it came to pass that pigs, totes, and containers made an unholy cry against the Flo in the northeast regions – a babel land of backward tongues, where A’s become R’s (“Cuba” becomes “Cuber”) and R’s become A’s (“park the car” becomes “paak the caa”). And there arose up a youthful warrior, Stephen the Younger, who quickly became old and docile. Forsooth, he brought his enemies to their knees and when they sued for peace, then he didst take his deer knife and cut off their p…n.s.

Lo, a great wind rose up out of the southwest, that scattereth all humankind before it and was itself somewhat scattered. Every ear was made low and every jaw droppeth at the rush of the great sound, which, verily verily, contained a great wisdom, somewhere, and they called the wind Meyeriah. But yet in those days the wind became prosaic, and ceased its jubilee at the sound of the chain saw, which struck fear into the heart of Meyeriah and his assembly.

And it came to pass that new judges came to preside over the Twelve Cities of Flo, yea, lesser than the least of these – Good Judge Daryl and his Evil Brother Daryl. The deeds of Judges Daryl and Daryl are recorded in the Book of WhatNow?. wherein all is whitewashed to exceeding purity. Whereupon came Robert the Bibber and Thomas the Doubtful, one of little faith, to the Twelve Cities of Flo. This same Thomas the Doubtful, it is he whereof the prophet spake,

“Let them not cut off the hair of thy face lest thy powers be lost.”

And lo, as it was written, in the latter days Thomas the Doubtful didst tell his wife the secret of his strength and she did have the hair of his face cut off.

And it came to pass that the Flo’s electronic courriers, mighty tubes of plastic and glass, sending the Twelve Cities’ data far and wide, didst become garbled and stupid. So a call didst go forward for a PC expert, whereupon a blond blackjack dealer from the City of Atlantic and Jim the Wurst did apply. And they were sorely tempted. Yet the hand of the Almighty intervened, to ensure that the enemies of bad bills would be confounded, and Jim the Wurst didst prevail.

And an evil spirit didst enter the Phillistines’ clerk/typist, who was led away by angels in white robes, whereupon another angel appeareth, a leader of the heavenly choirs, and no one thou shouldst mess with – Olivia the Fount of Wrath. Woe betide ye that dwell on the wrong side of Olivia, but glad are they who harken to her counsel.

And it came to pass that a second George didst appear at the northern gate, clamoring for a hearing before the elders, breathing smoke and snorting firewater and doing little else of consequence upon the hasty departure of Randy the Randy from the City in Buff. And George the Second didst enjoin the battle.

And it came to pass that the Flo didst drool and dribble unholy substances upon the land, which caused much anguish across the kingdom, wherein Diane of Thuh came to dwell among the Phillistines. And she spake whereof no one knew, and did wherein no one understood, and
cogitated upon which no one thought, and wondrous things were accomplished, of which no one knows.

And it came to pass that Joe the Meek went off his rocker in the Pits of Burgh, and chaos closed over the land. And behold, an ancient swordsman, gruff, grizzled, gravelly-voiced, didst step into the breach, henceforth to be called Gerry the Zorro, also because of the marks left on his paperwork.

And it came to pass that one final change was necessary in the Twelve Cities of Flo, to replace the Donald of the Indian Place with a living and breathing being. And so it was that TB (Not the Disease) came to the Indian Place. And thus were the Twelve Cities of Flo completed. And they saw that it was very good.

In those days a decree went out from Caesar Dave that all the world should be eliminated. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and the Mothers of Flo wept and rent their garments. Robert the Bibber fell first under the henchman’s ax. Ken the Ghoul and Terry the Soothsayer didst flee in terror before the approaching day of judgement. Yet others, out of bravery, constancy, and foolishness didst hold a celebration, remembering the good time of the past…

And so, the story unfolds … Perchance to be remembered fondly in the minds and memories of all who surviveth the final days of the Twelve Cities of Flo. It has been said that more tales of the Twelve Cities of Flo have been recanted by the Don of All in the Twelve Books of Norlin, which are believed to have been lost in the final battle of the Flo. But who knoweth?

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