The wurster, the better

Loved ones are forever
Living, laughing, playing with them.
Fighting, running, jumping,
Sharing lives with them.
Talking and learning from them.
Being with each other.
But then, they’re gone.
What to do?
Where to go?
Why?

Loved ones living but then a break.
And they are not.
Where once they laughed and played
And shared with you and
Joined with you in so many things,
They don’t any more.
They are different and still loved.
But don’t share their lives in a way
That they used to.
They live and you’re love
Tries to make them and you strong
To endure and share their lives
Forever more broken and jumbled and
Different than before.

Do you miss a person more
When they are gone or
When they are still here yet gone?

We become different than who we were
And could have been.
We change and get lost in the madness that is.
We endure forever more?
We hope, not.
We try to make things better
But cannot seem to be able
To break through the gloom and
Pain and the nothing that one feels.
But still we try and hope
For a better and brighter time,
A new day.

I’ve been up for a little while now. I took the last bunch of presents upstairs and put them under the tree, after Santa Claus dropped them off. I made myself a pot of peppermint coffee that Maria got us. Makes the house smell like a candy cane. After all the preparation and stress and worrying and getting irritated and whatever, the event will all be over soon after everyone gets up and opens their presents.

Will you get what you want? I guess it depends on what you want and what your perspective is. I certainly didn’t ask for anything because I seem to have everything I need except for one very large, extremely important thing that appears to be out of my (and our) reach forever. But I guess that’s okay and I will be happy and thankful for what I have and who I have in my life.

I hope we and you all enjoy each other for as long as you have each other.

Someone I know asked what I was going to get for Christmas. My wife and daughters have asked me for my list. What I really want is to be able to do all the things that I have to do and all the things I want to do. This has not been any easy task and is getting harder as I get older. Life just doesn’t cooperate.

I have also been thinking about the loved ones we have lost this year. I kind of dwell on my own feelings and not on others feelings. Although they have similar feelings about those who died. I guess I have taken this for granted and don’t appreciate what each one of us is going through. For example, with the recent loss of my Mom, I know that my brothers and I are feeling sad and empty especially at this time of year, but I haven’t taken the time to consider that our wives are also feeling the loss, maybe even more than us. Moms and daughters or daughter-in-laws seem to have a special bond. I know that they had this bond with my Mom. So, maybe they have much more to deal with that we, her sons.

If I haven’t told you or tried to comfort you, then I apologize. I will try to do better, although we Wursters are kind of non-emotional most of the time. Some would call us ornery or pains in the butt. That is just who we are. Sorry.

Our local elementary school (Sabold) had a ceremony on Friday remembering our nephew David. They planted a tree near the field where he played soccer and other sports when he was a child. The whole school turned out as well as some of David’s friends and family. I attended with Tabitha. Maria and Alicia couldn’t make it because of a previous engagement.

The weather was overcast but it didn’t rain. The ceremony included a reading of David’s favorite book entitled “Frederick” by some 4th graders. The song “Proud to be an American” was sung by Ms. Heckman (a 4th grade teacher and former teacher of our daughter Alicia). Her whole class sang along as well as others in the audience.

Then Mr. Thompson, one of the music teachers, played a song from Casablanca called “As Time Goes By” which was one of David’s favorite movies and songs. He played it on the trumpet and it was excellent.

Then Jeannie, his mom, spoke and thanked everyone for their kind thoughts and love during this time. We all hoped that when they came to the tree and sat on one of the benches, they would remember David and think about a book they liked of a song they liked to sing. A memorial is a place to think about things. A sort of place in which you can think about all the things you can think.

This year has been unusual for me. I don’t feel Christmassy (don’t know why). Christmas has snuck up on me. I have felt better as I have decorated the house these last couple of days. But there is something missing and I can’t put my finger on it (yet). I haven’t bought any presents for my family (except for one big one for each of my daughters) and probably won’t (won’t even get the chance between today and tomorrow). I guess I’m a scrooge this year. Why? Because I see our credit card bills. What can I get those who seem to spend rampantly? I even told my family I didn’t want anything if they were going to charge it on a credit card! I’m trying to get our finances in order. But each time I refinance, we continue our spending habits. I don’t mind if the credit cards are used for necessary things. In fact, I’ve told them to use it for those things. However, I always watch what I spend and would hope that they will, too.

I do hope that my daughter will contribute some to our household bills, especially now that she has a good job. I will continue to pay her school bills because that is our responsibility and will do so when she goes back to graduate school in the fall. So, my wish is that she takes on a little responsibility to help her old Dad out.

And, my wife, I do hope that she stops and think before she buys things. She needs to become a little more responsible, too. She doesn’t work and I don’t want her to. We decided this a long time ago. It is better that she be there for our daughter. Not only that, it is important that she be there for all of us, me and both of our daughters. Family is important!

So, although I haven’t spent a lot of money on my family this year, I still love them very much. I hope that we all can enjoy ourselves from now on and our family and friends, too. That is my Christmas wish.