The wurster, the better

I had arthroscopic surgery way back on May 5th for torn meniscus in my left knee. It seemed like the logical thing to do, but now I wonder. I have been going to physical therapy for 4 weeks and have only seen minor improvement. In fact, my right leg now feels extremely bad and I hobble around like an old man, thinking I need a cane. Well, I am old (61) but have never felt like this.

Not only am I feeling physically down, I am also feeling depressed not being able to do what I have always done. My family is suffering the brunt of my anger which should be directed towards myself but seems to be directed at anything that I don’t like or agree with. I struggle with controlling this because it shouldn’t be directed towards others especially my family. It’s not their fault. Maybe it’s no one’s.

This is just one more added stressor in my life. I am concerned and worried about my daughter’s future now that she is 21 and in the adult mental health / autism system. We have been struggling with legal issues to help ensure her future. It has been a long and tiring struggle and not over yet.

Yesterday I learned that the camp where my daughter goes this summer is planning a field trip today to the Gallery in Philadelphia, going by train. I remember back to almost 5 years ago when my daughter had a breakdown on such a trip when she was at Elwyn. But that was at Christmas time when it was very crowded and caused her sensory integration issues to take over. I fear that something similar might happen. I will be very happy when today is over and she is home from camp all happy and smiling.

And tomorrow night will be a sleepover at camp. Another thing I worry about. But it will be a good experience for her, but yet I worry. I am a father.

I watched a show on CNN last night called “Finding Amanda“. It’s a story about Amanda who is autistic and about how shes copes with her daily life. It was very powerful as I saw my daughter in a lot of the story. There are additional nights on which it will be shown. I would highly recommend it for family and friends of people who have autism. And not just them, but all people should watch this to find our how people feel who can’t verbally communicate.

My daughter has been getting “bad” reports in her daily communications book from school. My wife is upset and doesn’t know how to handle this. But what’s new about that. We are all having a hard time coping with our daughter. But life goes on and so do we.

August 28th was my brother Butch’s birthday and our 36th anniversary. Last week was my vacation week and so we got a chance to go down the shore to Margate to visit a grad student and her family who we were a mentor family for one of her classes. It was nice to get out of the house and do something different. We ate dinner at a restaurant that was next to the famous Lucy in Margate. Look it up to learn what it’s about.

We also got a chance to visit my Mom. We took Alicia to CHOP in Exton for an EEG and a heart monitor. She handled it well and we found out later that there was nothing unusual and the results were fine. We wanted to rule out possibilities of seizures, which this did for what they measured. Perhaps the next thing will be a 24-hour EEG. Who knows?

I finally got my Vista laptop to work with the BioExplorer we bought. I was feeling sort of frustrated when this wasn’t working. But with Bill’s help and getting a different codec (WinDVD), the program worked. I even did a session on my laptop. But then we couldn’t find the session data we saved. Vista does things differently than Windows. After I got home, I did find it in a Virtual Store folder. From reading the BioExplorer forum and others, people are definitely having trouble using Vista and BE.

So, now the next step with the biofeedback therapy is to read and get the other equipment we’ll need to proceed with home training/therapy.

We visited my Mom on Sunday and also saw my brother Ed and Sheryl. Then today, I went to see Ed to give him my old laptop and pick up one of his old computers. He was hoping to connect via wireless network as it was working for me at home. Unfortunately, we discovered that both of the wireless routers he had, were not working. So, he has to buy a new one.

I did some lawnwork after coming home and was exhausted. Tabitha was home getting some clothes and stuff to take back to Baltimore. We ate dinner together and chatted. It was nice. She just left for home and I’m here relaxing a little writing a post.

But now I hear my daughter crying and saying “I don’t want to” after getting out of the shower. Maria is trying to make sure she is ready for school by following the rules. I always have a problem with this tough love stuff. I know she is right in what she is doing but I just can’t handle all the emotional outpour of my daughter.

My oldest daughter and my wife are way more alike than either of them would like to think. They both freak out at the simplest thing especially when they cannot find something and are running out the door to get to work or to an appointment. It would seem to me that if they were more organized, they wouldn’t have this problem.

So, my daughter asks me:

Do you know where my vest is? I can’t find it any where.

I go downstairs and find her rifling through all the folded clothes. My wife does this, too, in looking for things. But who folded the clothes – me.

I tell her:

What you are looking for would not be there. It is probably hung up in the laundry room.

I go in there and push aside some hung clothes and see them. She says:

What are they doing back there?

Grabs them and blows out of the house.

So, where did we go wrong? Let’s analyze. Either she or I hung up the wet clothes a while ago to let them dry. This was good. Subsequent loads of laundry have been done over the past week. Other things have been hung to dry and were positioned in front of them.

If she would have put her clothes away when they should have been, there would not be a problem. But she doesn’t always do that. She does do it much more frequently than my wife.

So, please think my darling daughter. When you move away and go to grad school and have a roommate (or not), you will make you life much easier if you get better organized.

I watched a couple of movies over the weekend, Uptown Girls and What a Girl Wants, and got a little misty eyed at the end. They were about girls (young ladies) and what they want from their parents, particularly their fathers. It was about the hurt they kept inside because they couldn’t share it with their father. They were angry because of what happened because it left them in a situation where they were empty inside.

One little girl was angry because she felt abandoned since her father was in a coma and her mother was a workaholic. The other young lady felt lost because her rock star father died and she never really got to tell him her feelings. The movies were about how they dealt with the situation when one doesn’t really tell someone all they need to, or share their feelings, and then the father dies or is in a coma.

We really do need to share our feelings with those who love us because you don’t know when they will be gone. I hope my daughters know this and all my nieces and nephews, as well. Be yourselves, kids, but be sure to keep us in your lives.