A merry time or not

I was talking to my sister-in-law Jeannie last night and realized I am not in the Christmas spirit. I am depressed. I guess that is kind of normal this time of year but it is also different in my/our case. It's now been over a year since our daughter was traumatized last December. Last year I was in the Christmas mood. But this year --- no. Why? Well, at least last year there was some hope. But now as the months have gone by, I see no hope. That's kind of a harsh attitude, but that is how I feel. We want things to be the way they were, but we don't see a clear path to get back to that time. Maybe the reality is that we will never get there, at least not get all the way home. I had the Christmas tree up by this time last year, but not this year. Maria finally got out some decorations yesterday, but I am leaving that up to her. I did the lights outside a week or so ago and that's all I can do. If we don't have a tree, then so be it. What about presents? I really can't even think of what anybody would like. For Alicia, what I would like is for her to be happy and healthy. What else? I don't know. Some books, stuffed animal (from Build-A-Bear), puzzles??? For Maria, I will get her an iPod Shuffle as thanks for being a strong Mom (perhaps stronger and more intense than I would be at times, but it seems to work for her). What else? Books, candles, tolietries??? For Tabitha, I got her a digital camera a month or so ago and she is using it. What else? Books, clothes, money, toiletries??? For me, what do I want? I want something that I can't have. Without that, I really don't need anything else.