I was talking with someone on the phone yesterday, a family member. She wanted to know how I was feeling and how the rest of the family was. I found myself being very cautious with how I replied to her. After I hung up, I realized I was very standoff-ish. I wasn’t being myself. I wasn’t happy. This was a family member. What the hell was I thinking or not thinking?
I have had this thing planted in the back of my mind that I must be careful with what I say and to whom. However, I think this is getting out of hand. I cannot keep my sanity and heal myself if I have to continue to do this, continue to think before I speak especially with family. I am at odds with my wife and therapists about this. I really need to talk to my wife. Maybe I can convince her to help me/us define some boundaries/limits on what can be said and to whom. This is what the therapists want. I personally think it is crazy.
I have the same problem at work but have learned to think before I respond. However, the situation with my family, I think, is different. I think we need to be honest. I cannot be any other way.